Poor Chris any ideas for a better title, review
by EternalConfusion
Summary: Hmm...A CHRIS-BASHING fic, for Michael...Kinda explains it-Chris gets bashed around a bit...not that we don't like him-I do really...any ideas for a decent title plz let me know.-not strictly speaking a parody, but this is just a bit of fun! chap 3Rrated
1. You got the wrong Dude!

Disclaimer: Not mine! Well, Kev and Merv are-and the demons, but the rest isn't.  
  
Dedication: To Michael, a great friend who wants nothing more than to read a Chris bashing fic...Is that too much to ask for?  
  
A/N: So, this is what writing at one a.m gives you. Amazingly I wrote this (good) crap in twenty minutes...hmmm...something weird's going on here...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Chris is yet again pacing around the attic.  
  
"Come on! How hard is it too jus admit your true feelings???????" Chris seethed under his breath.  
  
**  
  
"That's him, that's who I want..." A cloaked, shadowed figure, said in a low, scratchy voice. As he waved his hand making the image of Chris flicker and then disappear.  
  
"Certainly master," A shorter, uglier demon said with, a hint of a hiss.  
  
"Well...what are you still doing here?"  
  
"Sssory, ssir, I wass jusst leaving, ssir." And with that the demon slithered a bit to the left and then shimmered.  
  
**  
  
We can now find; our strict, but lovable whitelighter, who is also running out of time, in a dark alley way...  
  
"Come on! It's gotta be around here some..."  
  
Before Chris can finish his sentence he is whacked around the back of the head, with a large iron pipe. (A/N: That did hurt, Michael) The blow to his head knocked him out.  
  
"You idiot Merv!!!!" Says a tall stocky man,  
  
"What, what did I do?" The smaller, thinner man asked.  
  
"You got the wrong dude," The larger man said with a very heavy American accent.  
  
"I got the wrong dude? I got the wrong dude? Kev-you told me to get this guy!" Merv said obviously peeved on.  
  
"I told you no such thing."  
  
"Whatever; now what are we gonna do?"  
  
"Umm...we can't just leave him here-we'll take him, dispose of him, somehow. Just take him to the boss-an extra present."  
  
"Okay, you got it," Merv said taking a hold of the young whitelighters ankles; he began dragging Chris along the rough, rock-strewn ground.  
  
"Merv, you plonker!" Kev began, "Have I taught you nothing? You never drag someone across the ground-they might wake up."  
  
"Yeah...but...but...you did the other day," Merv said sounding like a young child, who didn't know any better.  
  
"That was different..."  
  
"Really, how?"  
  
"She was already dead!" Kev exclaimed losing his patience. He went over to Chris, and slung Chris' limp form over his shoulder.  
  
A short while later, the two men, and Chris' unconscious self, arrived at a small black van, with blacked out windows. Merv hopped in the passenger seat, leaving Kev to deal with Chris. Somehow Kev managed to open the back door of the van, and he flung Chris inside. A second later, he had slammed the door shut and slid into the driver's seat, with ease.  
  
At some point, driving down a bumpy road, Chris came too. It seemed that Chris had decided to join the living part way 'round a hair-pin bend. So instead of just groaning in pain; he groaned in pain as he was flung to the side of the van, resulting in yet another blow to the head.  
  
"Owwwwww...that hurt...hang on a minute, wasn't I just in some weird alley way?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, sorry about that-that was about 45 mins ago," Merv said looking round at Chris.  
  
Chris immediately caught sight of the horrible scar, scratched deep into Merv's left side of his face, causing Chris to jump back and hit his arm on the back of the van.  
  
"Jeez...this is really not my day!"  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: So, there you are my friend; a decent Chris bashing fic...you better be happy...I could have been sleeping...but no...you kept complaining that there were no decent Chris-bashing fics to read...mind you at 1 am there aren't that many decent fics to read that you haven't already read...gotta do something about that.  
  
And to everyone else, please review...I'll only continue if you review, just incase Michael forgets...in which case there'll be some Michael-Bashing too. 


	2. The black ball of stupid fluff,

Disclaimer: I own Charmed!!!!!!!!!!!! I own the whole world, therefore I own everything...including you and you and you and.......  
  
*very loud scream, starts running from Michael's dryer* Help!! Help...Michael get your bloody dryer off of me...NOW!!!!!!  
  
I think, it's best to tell the truth, seeing how honesty is the best policy (but insanity's a better defence-not against dryers it aint...). I don't own the whole world; I don't own you-any of you, and sadly I don't own Charmed. Why, God, why, don't I own Charmed???? I in fact own very little: a few pairs of socks, some old coins-a 1p and a 2p, to be exact, a piece of old, minging fluff...half an eaten jaffa cake...nope, no jaffa cake now  
  
*chokes on half eaten jaffa cake* oops...I...don't think that was edible...maybe that's why: best before 3/5/03...and I think maybe even that wasn't mine...now THAT definitely isn't mine...no, way-I can't even eat chewing gum (train- tracks), let alone the fact that I don't like it...so why is there some old, chewed up chewing gum in my bag?? See-I own very little.  
  
A/N: To clear things up, Chris can not orb out of the van, due to risk of exposure, as Kev and Merv are mortal killers. And it's not that we hate Chris, in actual fact, Chris is a very good character (ya-good looking) and a bit of an easy target. Please no flames...I be forced to bash you around too...OR the less fun way of going around things...  
  
Michael: hmmm...interesting email addy! I would think the amount of times I've pestered you with my crap, I should know your email address...Wait...oh, crap! I've been emailing some weird idiot my random thoughts...no, that's just you being too lazy to sign in. *phew!* Umm...you do know it's not my birthday until October right? I'm glad you like this fic! You'd be in some serious trouble if you didn't! Ahhhhh...cute...that's soooo sweet...But you do now that my fics, now going to become all dry and crispy now. I actually need to write more, before I can update. Oh, please don't sulk...I plan on lots more Chris bashing...  
  
Pipery03: Hmmm...maybe we could have some Michael-Bashing anyway... And Michael wants a Chris-bashing story, its not that he doesn't like Chris (cause he does), his excuse is that he just like seeing Chris getting kidnapped and beaten up...and it was gone midnight...  
  
Drewfullerfan4life: Glad somebody liked it...lol!  
  
ChRiStInE17: YA-poor, poor Chris...Glad you thought it was a good chapter...hope you like this one as well.  
  
Gryffindor620: Ya, thanks.  
  
LunaMoon7: Right, in the summary I said that I actually like Chris! This is just a bit of fun, hence the 'humour' genre! And if you didn't like the summary you didn't need to read the damn fic!!! And my other friend says hands of-Chris is hers!!! But I may bash Michael just for the hell of it...I'll probably bash his dryer aswell.  
  
Me again: Hmmm...I wonder who this could be...*turns around* MICHAEL!!! YAY! 7 whole reviews! Noooo...not the washing machine...anything but the washing machine!!! And the dryer as well?? I better hurry up and write something...  
  
CharmedLeo: Hmm...so this makes what 8 reviews? Not bad...I think I get the message now...three times should do it...ya, this review was not as fun as the last two...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
All the jerking around in the back of the van, reminded Chris of this one time in his past...which is now the future.  
  
~Flashback~  
  
Three boys, Wyatt, Chris and Michael (sorry-couldn't resist!) are running around a kitchen (couldn't resist), screaming and shouting...so, basically doing all the things a normal 10/11 yr old boy would do...(Of course, I am not a boy, therefore I do not know how 10yr old boys act...but nvm)  
  
"Chris...give me back my furby...I'll set my marbles on you..." (See, I was actually kind enough to let him borrow my evil marbles)  
  
"You don't even like furbies Wy...I thought you were more into porn..."  
  
"What...how did you...I most certainly am not! And I do like furbies...I like to kill the little bastards. And besides, nobody asked you...dryer boy!"  
  
"Wyatt! Stop insulting my friend, Mike! And I've seen you watching...and FYI, his dryer's cool," Chris said.  
  
"Oh my dear little brother-your even more weird than I thought...how can his dryer be cool?" Wyatt asked, laughing at his younger brother.  
  
"It has powers..."  
  
"Must be cool then...now can I please have my damn furby back?"  
  
"Oh, you mean you want this???" Chris asked holding a small black mass of fur...  
  
"Woahh, big sound," The small electronic animal (if you could call it that) said in an electronic voice after hearing an object go flying into the dryer.  
  
"Now, Chris hand him over or your next," Wyatt tried threatening Chris. For a moment Chris looked slightly hesitant, then he started laughing and chucked the black thing (a.k.a. Furby) to his friend Michael.  
  
"Whhheeeeeee...uh-oh," The black thing wailed as it went flying through the air and then bounced off of the dryer. Michael broke down into tears at this.  
  
"Nooooooooo...my dryer...please, Wyatt, leave my dryer alone," Michael wailed; just seconds before Wyatt walked over to retrieve his black ball of stupid fluff...I mean umm....Furby; and of course to kick him where it really hurts, for being so stupid.  
  
Chris' face grew red as he watched his brother beating up his best friend, what shocked Chris even more was the fact that it looked as if he was actually enjoying being a bully. Chris then realised that there had been subtle hints of his brother changing...but even so, he'd never have imagined this happening...  
  
"Wyatt...what the hell are doing?" Chris asked quietly, but angrily.  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing-I'm beating the crap out of your stupid friend here," Wyatt said grinning, "But if you really don't like it, I'll stop, there's always someone else I can take my anger out on..." Wyatt said, his evil grin growing wider, as he crossed to meet his brother.  
  
Wyatt moved swiftly and very quickly after a good punch, sent Chris crashing into the dryer...  
  
~End flashback~  
  
Even now years on, Chris remembers the day when he knew for sure that his brother was turning...the words 'Little brother, you should know better than to cross me,' ringing in his ears...words his brother had used so many times to make Chris feel small. They were usually words used just before a session of Lets-take-our-anger-out-on-Chris. Remembering all this brought a tear to his eye, but he blinked it back.  
  
Chris was bought back to reality as the wheels of the van crunched over some stones, before finally coming to a halt... 


	3. TRADGEDY!

Disclaimer: God, I hate saying this but: I do NOT own Charmed!!!! However::smiles:: I do own my killer marbles and the black ball of stupid fluff! I also own Kev and Merv, who just appeared into my head one day.  
  
A/N: Damn thunder! Woke me up at 6:40 this morning...anyway it's 7:25 so I have about 30mins...not that I'll get much done, because my brain has temporarily frozen.  
  
Cocoamo1223: Awwww, Michael's getting sympathy! He'll be happy-he wasn't to keen on what I wrote...but he'll get over it. He's too attached to his dryer...hmmm...maybe there's something that they're not telling us... I'm glad you think this is hilarious, I had a hell of a lot of fun writing the Flashback, with semi-evil Wyatt, Chris and whining Michael, and my wonderful...I mean annoying black ball of stupid fluff! And I'm so glad you're finding this hilarious!  
  
Chrisoriented: You want more??? Okay then...  
  
Flephanie: Did you only just realise I was mad??? I'm beyond mad, I've lost it...I don't know what I lost but nvm...I would've taken it as a compliment anyway. And if you thought last chapter was mad, wait till you've read this chapter!  
  
Moi: Hey moi or should that be tu or toi?, you lazy git-you could have at least signed in or said Michael...but noooooo...you decided to make me think about who's reviewing...I thought I'd told you that I don't like that-just as well I recognise your style of reviews! Baka...oh well, if you want to speak Japanese!  
  
Oh well at least your reviewing now...and have fun knocking out those vital brain cells...wait why am I lecturing you about banging your head on the table...it's something I do everyday! shoves something that reeks under nose- possibly cow pat So did you have fun being unconscious?  
  
Classicchic: Thanks.

DrewFullerFan4life: I'm glad you really like this...I don't see how...I'm practically rolling around on the floor writing it...oh well...

Jackie: ::Big Cheesy Grin:: Glad you think it's a good Chris basher!!! You shall wait no more!

Gryffindor620: It is funny...what part was sad?

Melinda Pruedence Halliwell: ARGH!!! Not the evil glare!!!! ::RUNS:: I'm sure Michael will be pleased that you think he should be bashed...almost as pleased as when you mentioned the D word... Oh....you don't like me evil, Killer Marbles? Hmmmm...haven't thought of exploding burgers....

AK8: Ya...poor chris!

Charmed Melinds Halliwell: I like reviews...so don't apologize missy!! Yes I want a decent title...hmmm....'Bad, bad, bad, bad day'....I like it...yup, you are suffering from memory loss... :P

* * *

Deep down inside the Earth, there were a crowd of creatures. You'd never have guessed that it was the Underworld, except from the fact that many of these creatures were demons.  
  
All the demons were lined up in rows and columns, doing (yeah, you guessed it!) the Macarena!  
  
Ehhh, Macarena! Everyone shouted as they clapped and turned, landing on the floor with a mahussive (I don't care if it's not a real word, or if you don't know what it means-I do, and that's all that matters-it just means huge!) THUD! The music slowed and then stopped...for a second the demons looked lost, but then the next piece of music started and everyone started doing the dance to 'Saturday Night'. A few minutes later after a lot of drunken demons twirling their arms and moving in the wrong direction the song changed again.  
  
Arms(in some cases, tentacles...not another similar sounding word...) were waving in front of their various owners, then to thumbs(again, only those who had them) shaking over shoulders, to hands (you guessed it, if they had any) in front and behind their heads, then they were shaking their knees....It was a real picture for anyone to see most of the world's population of demons on a Saturday, dancing to Las Ketchup's 'Aserejé (The Ketchup Song)'. Actually it was a rare, but hilarious nonetheless sight to see the demons dancing to various classic disco tunes. Such as; YMCA, the Ketchup Song, Saturday Night, Macarena, The Cha Cha Slide, The Hair Washing Song...I think that's actually Tragedy, but I'm sure you know what I mean...the song that goes Tragedy, when you're in the town and your pants fall down, Tragedy!....or something like that...and of course that old demon classic The Hokey-Cokey (with added verses of course for all those with extra limbs)!  
  
Just as all the demons were changing from the 'Y' position, to the 'M' position, the music stopped and a ghastly looking demon walked in.  
  
"We have a...um...Tragedy!" He stated in a low raspy voice.  
  
The DJ demon, quickly found the music and Tragedy! started playing. The ghastly demon started turning red...trouble was-he was already a red demon, so instead turned a sickly shade of purple.  
  
All the demons in the room hushed quickly, seeing their leader very purple.  
  
"I did NOT mean play the song!" The DJ demon, quickly switched of the music, and looked very worried...two seconds later he seemed to burst into fire from the inside, leaving the now purple demon looking extremely happy with himself...yup, you guessed it the now-purple demon is actually...drum roll please, SOURCIE!  
  
All demons looked up at dear, old SOURCIE expectantly.  
  
"You all know that we have been trying to get a hold of The Charmed One's son from the future. Well...he has fallen into the clutches of some very badassy Mortal Killers." SOURCIE said the last words with a mass of disgust and green spit.  
  
SOURCIE received a lot of gasps from the demons, and a lot of whispering started...  
  
"DEMONS!" SOURCIE bellowed, shutting them all up. "We will, have to dispose of the Mortal Killers first, then we can get to future boy!" SOURCIE said grinning a very evil grin, and receiving cheers from the crowd of swarming demons at the idea of getting to torture another two innocents.  
  
SOURCIE walked back into his lair and called for his oracle.  
  
"What can I do for you Good Sir?" She asked as he went into his plans...  
  
%&%  
  
"Out boy!" The taller Mortal Killer (evil bastards are those mortals!) shrieked.  
  
Chris stumbled around the back of the van...and then feel out of it landing in a pile of doggy do-do.  
  
"Oh Holy Fucking Shit! There's shit in my hair...IN MY HAIR!!! ARGH!!! And the shit is mixed in with tiny bits of gravel! CRAP!" Chris yelled in frustration as he failed to stand up.  
  
"Get up!" The shorter man barked.  
  
Chris jumped up...and a loud cracking sound could be heard...he screwed his eyes shut and shoved his clenched fist into his mouth...(the hand not covered in shit)  
  
"My back!" He whinged as it clicked again. "What the fuck do you want with me?  
  
"WE don't want anything with YOU...we were aiming to k...um, get another guy...but you got in the way! And dorko over here," Kev says, pointing to Merv, "Stuffed up...so we're taking you to our boss...No more questions!"  
  
"No watch your head" Merv said so quietly on the way in that Chris, naturally, didn't hear!  
  
"OUCH! Where the hell did that come from? And why don't they make doors big enough for people to WALK through?" Chris seethed, clutching his head, crawling under the doorway...

* * *

A/N: Never did get much done! So....sorry it's been a long time since least update...But I'm updating now...with more wacky goings on! Ya know...I really mighta lost it back there with the dancing demons...Maybe next chapter we can have my talking sausages hit Chris over the head with a frying pan...what do you ya to that Mike? Or ant viruses...or Detective Chocolate...or the evil ball of black fluff could a come-back... 'Party!' Did I forget to say that they're EXTREMELY annoying...and make very little sense...finally-he's snoring! Thank GOD!!!!! 


End file.
